The evils of global warming.
I am convinced. There are actually negative aspects of "Global Warming". Allow me to elaborate. This weekend, New York got hit with what the wires are calling the second biggest snowstorm in NY history. Not something that's especially significant, given that the forecasters all more or less agree that it'll be in the upper 50's again by mid-week, and it'll all melt. But, it's still somewhat annoying to walk out of your door in the morning, and sink up to your knees in snow, after which you realize your vehicle is somewhere in the middle of a two foot snowbank.
First, some back story. One of my neighbors is an eco-tard, right down to the hemp clothing and Toyota Prius in the driveway. Evidently, she had some kind of life or death aromatherapy appointment or something, and was trying in vain to a) Start her car, which apparently does not like two feet of snow on it, and b) Move her car through the aforementioned two feet of snow.
I was planning on heading to my garage, depositing the tools I had brought inside to complete a project the night before, only to return to my fireplace and some DVDs of things exploding. But I couldn't quite resist. I slogged to my vehicular conveyance, thumbed the trusty Clifford fob, and some 800 amps of sweet Optima cold-cranking goodness brought my trusty steed to life in its usual half a crank. As if sensing my mood, it blew half a snowbank directly across the bow of the aforementioned Prius, courtesy of its exhaust. Now, it was time to enter actor mode. See, one of the great things about being an actor, is that people actually pay you to be a complete prick at times. And sometimes it's free. So, I strode up to the driver's door, swept just enough snow from the roof and door to keep from wearing it while opening it, and hopped in.
At this point, said hippie chick was in full protest march scowl mode. My blipping the throttle a few dozen times to make certain sufficient oil had made the turbocharger happy might have had something to do with that, but it's just a theory at this point. So, I flicked and twisted the requisite knobs and buttons to place my vehicle into "climb up a wall" mode, popped it into reverse, and dumped the clutch.
Ever see what happens when a dog runs around in a snowstorm, then shakes itself off (hopefully) before going back inside? It looked kind of like that. Even I was surprised by the roost of snow that more or less engulfed everything before me. I'm not one to believe in higher beings, but every now and again something makes snow exactly the right consistency at exactly the right moment in order to do such things, upon which I have second thoughts. I cut the wheel left and performed a rather nice 180 into the ploughed section of roadway, then stopped, selected first gear, and attempted to toss the remaining snow from the top of my vehicle by executing four-wheel-drive donuts. I succeeded.
Now, some of my neighbors I like. The guy across the way from me, for example, who drives a Viper, rides a Ducati, and is more or less right in the head when it comes to most things mechanical, was laughing his ass off to the degree he spilled his coffee over his balcony, surpassed only by the hummer-driving female lawyer a few doors down who was attempting a similar process of snow elimination, evidently enlightened by my display, and laughing like a hyena in the process. The remaining neighbors who had braved the drifts to extract their cars from their own snowbanks were as well in various states of bemusement. But not hippie chick. Oh no, not Hippie Chick.
See, Hippie Chick and I really do not get along well. While she's smoking pot and watching the woman's network or some such, I'm cutting exhaust pipe with a sawzall. When she's entertaining male hippie friends, I'm executing coke cans with my Drozd, and so on and so forth. I even went to the lengths of hooking my PowerBook up to my car stereo some months back so I could listen to Hewitt while detailing it, which put an impromptu end to her sunbathing session. Anyway, she does not like me, and apparently her battery mobile received more than one snow blast from my woodland-creature-habitat-destroying tires.
I tried rather hard to keep a smirk from my face as I blipped the throttle and bounded back over the three foot plough-induced snowbank I had previously reversed through, and proceeded to park. By this time, Hippie Chick, who was attempting to scowl a hole in me at this point, had managed to get the hamster wheel gas engine in her Prius going, and was trying in vain to make her 13" front tires do something other than spin. I, of course, leaned against my fender, crossed my arms, assumed a grin that would do Matt Cauthorn1 proud, and waited for my opening.
"Need a hand?", I asked, fully expecting Hippie Chick to have a nervous breakdown. To my surprise, she nodded. Curse her. She will not foil my plot.
"Well, I could tow you out of there with this gas-guzzling, turbocharged evil-mobile here, if you'd like.", said I, patting the hood. She was turning purple. Progress. But, apparently, there was pot involved in this aromatherapy appointment, and she was willing to bite back whatever profanity was percolating and simply nod again. Goddamnit, now I was getting cross. So I went with the nuclear option.
"But if I do...", I began, "You'll have to take that off." I said, indicating the approximate area of snow-covered Prius where I knew one of those crossed-out "W" stickers resided. And she went ballistic. I mean absolutely, completely batshit crazy. Neighbors were peeking out of curtains, pulling down blinds, or flat out laughing their asses off as she more or less physically tried to haul her car out of the snow. I shrugged, set my alarm, and went inside to ... well, to cackle evilly, drink some brandy, and smoke a cigarillo.
Yeah, sometimes I can't help but like a little snow.
1 Matt Cauthorn is a character in Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time fantasy series. Go read it, you'll understand.
posted by Mr. Lion
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